From mfeit at notonthe.net  Sat May 21 13:03:39 2005
From: mfeit at notonthe.net (Mark Feit)
Date: Sat May 21 13:03:40 2005
Subject: News from the Catholic Front
Message-ID: <17039.27115.714597.662078@coop.notonthe.net>

Ratzinger was not the Cardinals' first choice to replace John Paul II
as pope.  That was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje.

Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young
man,aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the army during
WWII and spent two years co-piloting bombers until his aircraft was
shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.  Captain Grapje spent the
rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both
allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa,
piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across
the continent.  In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an
explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in.  Archbishop Grapje went
down into the mine to administer last rites to those too severely
injured to move.  Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three
days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right
eye.  The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a
life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a
scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he should
never ascend to the Papacy.  They felt that the Church would never
accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
From mfeit at notonthe.net  Thu May 26 07:29:29 2005
From: mfeit at notonthe.net (Mark Feit)
Date: Thu May 26 07:29:31 2005
Subject: German Schleppard?
Message-ID: <17045.45849.188625.359943@coop.notonthe.net>

Forwarded-by: ssfeit@erols.com (Steve Feit)
 
Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a
problem."
 
Dr. Saul: "So tell me about the dog and the problem."
 
"It's a Jewish dog.  His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"
 
Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and
says,
 
"So why are you talking to me like that?  You always order me around
like I'm nothing.  And you only call me when you want something.  And
then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis.  You give me
this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a
special diet.  It tastes like dreck!  YOU should eat it yourself!  And
do you ever take me for a decent walk?  NO, it's out of the house, a
short pish, and right back home.  Maybe if I could stretch out a
little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and
play dead for real for all you care!"
 
Dr. Saul is amazed. "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"
 
Morty says, "He has a hearing problem!  I said 'Fetch', not 'Kvetch'"!