From mfeit at notonthe.net  Thu Jan  8 07:13:33 2009
From: mfeit at notonthe.net (Mark Feit)
Date: Thu Jan  8 07:13:35 2009
Subject: 1955 
Message-ID: <18789.60909.656195.960630@coop.notonthe.net>

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant
Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you
seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."  The Sergeant Major's short
reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."  The young lady, tiring of
trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten
up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."  The Sergeant Major just
stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major
looked at her and replied, "1955."  She said, "Well, there you
are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so
seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
"relax" him several times. Afterwards, and panting for breath, she
leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget
much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in
his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 21:30 now."
From mfeit at notonthe.net  Sun Jan 18 22:21:13 2009
From: mfeit at notonthe.net (Mark Feit)
Date: Sun Jan 18 22:21:14 2009
Subject: Twenty Dollars
Message-ID: <18803.61865.39350.191406@coop.notonthe.net>

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.  In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30
years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state.  During the next few minutes, he
explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go.  It was unlikely that, at the age
of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near
what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which
were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the
largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged"
him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results
of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found
his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I
would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.



(Of course, to amass $1M, the couple would have to do the deed an
*average* of slightly more than 4.5 times *daily* for the entire
30-year span. --MF)